Cosmic Commentary by: Jake Quick, also known as “Jake Quick”
Aries- Although you may be ready to rush into your next endeavor, the faster you travel the greater the likelihood you’ll get a speeding ticket.
Taurus- Be extra careful of the moves you make this month, Taurus. There’s a good chance you’ll break something pretty valuable. As the saying goes, like a bull in a china shop. Also avoid wearing red at any time, otherwise you may find yourself confused by your subconscious urge to charge at yourself headfirst.
Gemini- When you hang out with your buddy Jim, make sure you let someone know what you’re doing, or where you’re going. Really just talk about yourselves in the same sentence. If you hug an Aquarius every single day this month, on the first day of the next one you will morph into a physical copy of Outkast’s 3rd album.
Cancer- February will be a productive month for you Cancer! You may receive a vision that the stars are smiling upon you, and then realize that it’s just a Hardee’s Commercial. If you ask me, that’s even better.
Leo- Being a leo means you’re better than everyone else, at practically everything. So make sure to use that power to do something worthwhile this month, and you will be exponentially rewarded.
Virgo- This month, the partner of your dreams will come to the realization that you are unworthy of their attention. Luckily, refusing to acknowledge the reason for this should get you through the month without a scratch or breaking a sweat!
Libra- You may find yourself in a position of great responsibility, but don’t let it get to your head, because there’s a good chance you’ll let everyone down.
Sagittarius- The odds are in your favor this month, spend your entire paycheck on scratch-offs and any raffle tickets you can get your hands on because there’s a relatively decent chance you just might maybe cash in.
Capricorn- Expect great things to happen if you come across a unicorn wearing capris this month, or any month for that matter
Aquarius- Although it’ll probably be quite frigid, as an Aquarius, it never hurts to get into the water. All things related to water really. If you hug a Gemini every single day this month, on the first day of the next one you will morph into a physical copy of Outkast’s 3rd album.
Pisces- A drastic and sudden change may come across you this month, although it is unclear to my third eye what it might entail. Whatever it is, you’ll be able to handle anything that’s thrown at you if you first assess the situation and pick up the pisces, I mean pieces.
Scorpio- Your natural habitat is the desert, and you have a long tail with a venomous stinger on the end. Okay that may not be true, but it’s simply a metaphor for your deadly clapback skills. Which you may need when you end up having to defend yourself this month.