Horoscopes: Valentine’s Day Edition

Cosmic Commentary by: Jake Quick, also known as “Jake Quick”

Aquarius – The winds of love blow in your favor on this day Aquarius. Whether that means your future spouse will be blown right into your arms or you completely blow your chances with them, is in your control.

Pisces –  Let’s be honest, you set your sights way too high. If you don’t want to be miserable and alone, write yourself a reality check and get on match.com.

Aries – Robots tend to have more luck at finding love than you do, and this Valentine’s day probably won’t see any alteration to that. However, there’s a chance that a robot will fall in love with you.

Taurus – This Valentine’s there’s no place for hesitation. Grab the bull by the horns, so to speak, and you will be very, very pleased with the result.

Gemini – If you don’t marry the next person you find yourself attracted to, you’re likely to spend the rest of your life checking missed connections web postings.

Cancer – Your parents have been planning an arranged marriage between you and the leader of a remote group of Amazonian jungle tribe, because they need the dowry to pay off their mortgage.

Leo – Your multitude of attractive qualities will bring several options to the table. Making the right choice is up to your judgement, but whatever you do will likely affect you for years to come.

Virgo – You won’t find much success looking for something worthwhile this Valentine’s day. I recommend indulging in all the candy you can get your hands on to fill in the gaps.

Libra – Finding your soulmate may prove to be a little harder than you expected, try cawing like a bird or dousing yourself in a variety of animal scents to see what kind of mate you can attract.

Scorpio – After so many disappointments in your love life, you should consider that you might be looking for answers in the wrong places. Try broadening your point of view.

Sagittarius – Take note that in most countries, marrying your pets is illegal, so you should go ahead and put that thought to rest. Consider marrying someone with nice pets already rather than just acquiring the pets.

Capricorn – Waiting for your loved one to come to you could be a big mistake. This is especially true for at least one person today, whose loved one happens to drive a very large bus and will suddenly take chances with the brakes making very sharp turns.

Disclaimer: These horoscopes do not reflect an authoritative understanding of all events (both past or future) and are subject to individual interpretation, so any and all coincidences or similarities with real events, persons, or goings-on are unintentional. The views, insights, and wisdoms presented are not a reflection of any one, thing, or entity other than the individual who has been directly attributed the commentary, listed above.