Cosmic Commentary by: Jake Quick, also known as “Jake Quick”
Aries – Things look good for you this month, but don’t go MARCHing in with overconfidence and your head above the clouds, it’s highly likely you’ll step on a mouse trap.
Taurus – You may find it entertaining to walk around like a monkey while pretending to pick fleas off of your classmates, but hostility might arise when you actually find some.
Gemini – This month the probability that you’ll find some manner of success has increased tenfold! But so has the probability of you being crushed by a falling grand piano.
Libra – While bad things happening in quick succession are often attributed to bad luck, it takes a Libra to screw up their entire life in less than 30 minutes. And this month, that’s exactly what you’ll do.
Cancer – At some point during this month, you will sleep walk, sleep drive, and sleep fly your way to Siberia, where you’ll start a family and forge a harsh but hardy livelihood, all before finding your way back home and waking up.
Leo – You may run into trouble this March when those around you are unable to handle your baller status. While defending your honor might seem appropriate at the time, you’ll yield much better results if you just take off in the other direction on a hoverboard.
Virgo – What appears to be the way forward, may also be the way backwards.This may become a particularly apparent problem while driving on the freeway.
Capricorn – The mystical powers that allow me to glimpse into the future, using not only myself but this paper as no more than mere vessels to spread their unambiguous message, have only allowed me to inform you that they have spoken…
Scorpio – What you truly want is much closer than you think, but you’ve been too busy picking dandelions to look up. Which I suggest you do in order to keep your opportunity from escaping, or to avoid dangerous, flying space debris.
Sagittarius – This month you’ll discover that you’re parents adopted you from a kennel in Mongolia and lied about your birth month, which means you aren’t really a Sagittarius and this isn’t your horoscope, or is it?
Aquarius – It’s officially leprechaun hunting season! Sharpen your spears and set your snares, because the odds are in your favor to bag a big’un.
Pisces – Your stupidity will be rivaled only by your embarrassment when you become distracted by your phone while walking down the street and end up strolling right into a pack of feral clowns.
Disclaimer: These horoscopes do not reflect an authoritative understanding of all events (both past or future) and are subject to individual interpretation, so any and all coincidences or similarities with real events, persons, or goings-on are unintentional. The views, insights, and wisdoms presented are not a reflection of any one, thing, or entity other than the individual who has been directly attributed the commentary, listed above.